Hi all...taking a break from the 'funny' today to share something that's been on my mind. I have tons...TONS of flaws, as we all do...and I'm purposely attempting to call myself out in order to work on them. Sometimes we need to admit in order to fix, right? Right. So...
The first time, Elijah grabbed a glass from the counter top and threw it to the ground. I was holding him at the time, and couldn't believe I wasn't quick enough to catch it before it shattered all over the kitchen tile. In true 'me' fashion, I yelled some random obscenity and handed my kid off so I could clean up.
The second time, I was on my computer working when I heard a loud crash come from upstairs. My heart jumped as I ran to make sure it wasn't Elijah (he was sleeping). Instead, I found contents of the floating shelves on my wall in my bedroom splayed across the floor. I had cleaned the shelves earlier that day, and must have balanced the photos improperly. I looked down and was saddened to see the frame with Elijah's newborn photo in pieces on the ground. Jeff went on a tiny rant about the shelves I had bought from target, saying they were cheap and not sturdy. I (again, in true 'me' fashion) snapped at him...because for some reason I felt like he was attacking my choices and not the quality of the shelves. Didn't he understand that I was trying to make an affordable choice, yet still beautify our home? (I know, I know...really, Kate? lol)
Then, yesterday, I was making dinner for Jeff and I while feeding Elijah. I had the high chair pulled up next to me so I could properly multitask. Eli has been learning to use a spoon in the past few days, so he had his spoon in hand with a bit of food on it...which he decided to toss at my feet. This happened a few times before I felt overwhelmed and heard myself snap at him. His little face just looked at me like I was nuts (because honestly, I was). I put his spoon down, opened the door to the refrigerator, grabbed a jar of capers and...
...you guessed it.
Crash. Little balls of green yummy...all over the floor.
Now...this may all sound very minute and silly to many of you...but to me? It felt like defeat. I felt the anger rise up in me and I literally got on my knees and asked God to calm me down.
At that moment, I realized that He had been trying to get my attention all along. Scripture popped into my head.
James 1:19-21 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
As a Christian, I feel I have a very personal relationship with God and Christ. God knows exactly what I need, when I need it...and boy, He sure knows how to get my attention. As any good Father would, he also disciplines me whenever I veer off course.
This was definitely one of those moments. I felt like I was about five years old.
I looked up at my son and my heart was heavy. I don't want to raise my voice in front of my child, or at my child.
A child's character is impressionable, innocent, and easily shattered - just like the glass at my feet.
My prayer today is that I be more slow to anger. I don't want to be 'the one who snaps,' and I don't want to teach my child to be that way either.
Does this mean I'm going to magically be better in this area of my life? Absolutely not...but it's something I'm working on. It's something I'm going to attempt to observe and correct before it rises to the level that it has in the past. God help me.
One step at a time, right? Is there anything on your heart that you need to work on? I'd love to hear about it.