I have so many pictures of awesome experiences that people have never seen because I think I look big in them. Seriously.
These are on top of all the strategically cropped photos of myself that hide the fact that I've become...
Fluffy. Chunky. Horizontally challenged.
Oh yea, I'm totally guilty. For example:
My first thought is, honestly, 'holy crap, one of my boobs is as big as my head'.
My second thought? Wow. I'm a serial-picture-cropper.
Looking at myself, I'm not *that* critical. I think that's a big part of my problem. While I prod at myself mentally about being a Fatty McFat Fat, my appearance doesn't bother me so much. It may be the fact that my body weight is pretty evenly distributed - I can gain or lose 50 pounds and really only go up or down 2 sizes.
When I got my wedding dress fitted, the seamstress called me 'solid'. I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but I'm assuming that's why my size clothing doesn't really fluctuate.
It seems very easy, these days, to point out other people's flaws. It's even pretty easy to look in the mirror and find all of our own (supposed) flaws.
The hard parts?
Confronting yourself when you have a problem. Making changes. Getting back on the wagon when you've fallen off and flat on to your face.
So today is my day to confront my issue publicly and try to make some changes. I feel like I actually confront this issue every. single. freakin. day...but nothing has changed for a significant enough amount of time for me to declare progress.
Time for some brutal honesty.
I have a serious, serious problem when it comes to food and self control, and I know a lot of other people do as well. My weight has gone up and down throughout my life (story of most women, right?) and I'm now at the heaviest I've ever been. I don't have too much of a problem with cooking and buying healthy foods. My main issues are portion control and binge eating. When I go on a binge, I suddenly have a hollow leg and will eat the entire kitchen.
It's not cute.
I know how to lose the weight, I just haven't been able to get myself on the wagon for very long. I seem to last about 3 weeks before PMS hits and breaks me.
I'm not going to throw my weight onto the internet, because I am a firm believer that the number is not what's important. It really is about how you feel, how you're built, and how your weight is affecting your health.
That being said, we're not talking 10 or 20 extra pounds here. We're talking about clinical obesity. I'm talking at least 50 lbs that needs to go away. Ideally, 60. This wouldn't make me skinny - it would make me a healthy weight for my height.
I'm pretty short, if you didn't know. Vertically challenged. Sweet and low.
I could go on all day, folks.
For a long time, I think I was using the excuse that focusing so much on my weight was a vanity thing - and I definitely didn't want to be vain. God made me this way, right?
Actually...no, He didn't. He gave me a body, but He definitely did not shove all the food in my mouth to make it the size it is now. Biblically, what I'm doing is actually a pretty gross sin - it's called gluttony.
I'm basically finding my satisfaction in food rather than finding satisfaction through God. That's idolatry, people. Breaking the first commandment. I'm making food a god.
But, you know...we tend to gloss over the parts of the Bible that make us uncomfortable, right?
My husband is...so awesome about this. He makes me feel beautiful no matter what size I am. I think that makes him part of the problem too LOL. Of course, this is a man who could eat what he wants any day of the year and look the same. This is also a man who enjoys exercise.
I know, WHAT PLANET IS HE FROM AND CAN I GO THERE? Jerk.
(Just kidding babe. Kind of.)
So I've taken some time to contemplate why I over eat. I'm definitely an emotional eater - but it's not one specific emotion. I eat when I'm happy, sad, and to celebrate just about anything.
Example: Yay! I lost 5 pounds! Let's have some ice cream!
To be honest, I'm pretty darn happy with my life right now. So why am I being so self destructive?
Easy - we, women...we always want to be more. There's this void that you can't quite put your finger on that is (at least momentarily) filled by food.
For me, I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough. Not a good enough mom or creative, wife or housekeeper - sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough because I stopped trying to climb that corporate ladder. Or maybe I didn't paint my toenails quite right that week. Or maybe I didn't even get to paint my toenails *gasp*.
It really is whatever strikes at the moment.
The problem with that is...in my faith, I'm supposed to turn to God with those issues, not to food.
I've been reading the book 'Made to Crave' by Lysa TerKeurst. I'm about halfway through, but it's been really helpful in understanding a lot of what's going on in regards to my fat and my faith. I definitely recommend it - and not because it's some gimmicky LOSE WEIGHT FAST kind of deal.
So...Why do I want to lose weight? What am I going to do about it?
Well - I can tell you the main reason really isn't vanity. If it was, this weight would have been gone a long time ago. You know what it is? My whole body hurts. It's like my bones are screaming WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??
I want to be able to run after my kid, too...because I know I'll have to chase him down on more than one occasion.
Do I want to look good, too? Well sure I do! I have a vacation coming up in a few months and I'd like to get as much as I can off before then. It's really not about looks, though. It's a practical thing - the less weight I have on my body, the less freakin' hot I'll be in the tropical sun!
I'm not going to go on some crazy diet. This isn't a 'Look at me! I'm going to lose all this weight while blogging about it so you can watch and be jealous and compliment me all the time!' Oh, no one feels that way while watching someone lose weight?
See? I told you I'm an imperfect Christian. I'll call my jealousy out - I admit it.
What I *am* going to do, is try to be more aware of what goes in my mouth. Moment by moment, I want to observe what I'm eating and why I'm eating it. When I need comfort, I want to turn to God, not the fridge.
I'm not going to weigh myself more than once every two weeks. I was going to do once a month, but I just can't wait that long. Patience isn't always good for me.
I'm also going to post a healthy recipe now and then that I've tried recently. You'll find the first one at the end of this post.
I'd like to invite you to do this with me. Call yourself out. You don't have to do it on the internet...but feel free to. It's pretty liberating. Go ahead, try it.
What's your dirty little secret?
Are you a serial-picture-cropper, like me? :)
Herb Quinoa with ChickenDisclaimer: I hate recipes. I make everything to taste, so I don't use too many measurements on herbs. I'll tell you approximately what I used and you decide from there. Use your palette when cooking, that's what it's there for!
1 1/2 cups low sodium chicken stock
1 1/2 cups water
1 1/2 cups quinoa (rinsed and drained)
3-4 chicken breasts, cubed or cut into small strips
Cherry or grape tomatoes, sliced in half (use what you want...I usually use a cup or two)
1 tbsp basil
1 tbsp capers
1 tsp crushed red pepper (more if you want spicier)
1 tbsp lemon juice
Salt and pepper to taste
Garnish with crumbled feta (optional)
Pour chicken stock and water into a pot and bring to a boil. Add quinoa, reduce to a simmer, cover and let sit for 15 minutes. You do not have to stir it. Set aside.
In a deep saute pan, combine all ingredients except the chicken. Saute until the tomatoes have broken down. Add chicken and saute until cooked through. Add extra chicken stock if necessary.
Add quinoa to the sautee pan and stir. Add salt and pepper if necessary. You may not need salt - the capers and garnish of feta should be pretty yummy.